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Post by DarkPepsi on Aug 28, 2007 0:42:34 GMT -5
We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
this nuts is so true.
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Post by AngelofLove on Aug 28, 2007 3:27:10 GMT -5
lmao oh i know that one matlowe sent it to omg i laughed my ass off for ever
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:33:30 GMT -5
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.
'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but the man was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor,
'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, 'Lady, There's nothing I can do. He's in too far.'
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:34:12 GMT -5
I rear ended a car this morning. > I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day! > The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! > He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!" > So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" > > > That's how the fight started. >
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:35:04 GMT -5
Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary.
Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:36:04 GMT -5
A plane was on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class got up > and moved to the First Class section and sat down. The flight attendant > watched her do this and asked to see her ticket. She then told the blonde that > she paid for Economy and that she would have to sit in the back. > > The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London > and > I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant went into the thingypit and > told the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in > First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. > > The copilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that because > she > only paid for Economy Class, she would have to leave and return to her seat. > The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right > here!" > > The copilot told the pilot that he probably should have the police > waiting when > they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. > The pilot says, " I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde!" > He went back to the blonde, whispered in her ear, and without question she got up and > moved back to her seat in the Economy section. > > The flight attendant and copilot were amazed and asked him what he had > said > to cause her to move without any fuss. > "I told her First Class wasn't going to London." >
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:37:02 GMT -5
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even more surprising, there are women here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.
You probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."
"Good Lord," her mom said, "what do they call them?"
"Well, after I caught my breath I called one of them PRECIOUS!"
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:38:29 GMT -5
Dirty Joke [glow=red,2,300]CAUTION!!!!!!!![/glow]--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'
The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.'
The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:40:10 GMT -5
Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her husband drove them home.
'I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.'
'Relax honey,' her husband, Roger, reassured her. 'It will all be OK.'
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
'Where are you going?' Jane asked.
'I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.'
After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.
'Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer.'
'What is it?' she cried excitedly.
'OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?"
And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the thingy."'
The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
'The head, the heart, the thingy,' Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
'Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.'
'Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.
'Very good. Six seconds.'
'Eh, uh, the heart?
'Very good. Four seconds.'
'I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... '
'That's close enough,' said the game show host, 'Congratulations!'
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Post by DrShot on Aug 28, 2007 3:41:32 GMT -5
So there are three golfers, (Bob, Max, and Ted) who are looking for a fourth. Bob mentions that his friend George is a pretty good golfer, so they decide to invite him for the following Saturday. "Sure, I'd love to play," says George, "but I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." So Saturday rolls around. Bob, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00, and find George already waiting for them. He plays right handed, and beats them all. Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if he'd like to play again the following Saturday. "Yeah, sounds great," says George. "But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but this time George plays left-handed, and beats them all. As they're getting ready to leave, George says: "See you next Saturday. But I may be about ten minutes late, so wait for me." Every week, George is right on time, and plays great with whichever hand he decides to use. And every week, he departs with the same message. After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, "Wait a minute, George. Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late, but you're right on time. And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed. What's the story?" "Well," George says, "I'm kind of superstitious. When I get up in the morning, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed." "So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" Bob asks. "Then I'm about ten minutes late," George answers.
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Post by DrShot on Sept 10, 2007 5:26:24 GMT -5
Lawyers should never ask a Southern granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Post by DrShot on Sept 10, 2007 5:27:15 GMT -5
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and does not reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and does not reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away . . .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton ."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing you say it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"
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Post by DrShot on Sept 10, 2007 5:35:20 GMT -5
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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Post by DrShot on Sept 16, 2007 17:50:19 GMT -5
Here is a reply from a non report I filed. This must be in jest. Just in case it is not I replied (following ). The names have been deleted. Original message: 1) player admits that another player in game repeatedly went OOS and would not stop rejoining making this game unplayable 2) No courtesy email was sent or attempted 3) I had this on my list to report, however gamespy became unstable last night and I was unable to report. I DID NOT play any sunsequent ladder games AND it has NOT even been close to 24 hours since this game happened. Pretty shady filing from a pretty shady player.. Welcome to my DNP list. I will report to him 'now' anyways, even though we were unable to complete this game, even though he didn't come close to waiting 24 hours before filing his non report, as long as gamespy remains stable enough for me to complete the process. Please advise player of the 24 hour before filing rule.. It is players like him that make admins have such duplication of effort in managing non reports. MY REPLY 1) player admits that another player in game repeatedly went OOS and would not stop rejoining making this game unplayable I said that (the other) player was oos 12 times in a row( ironic it ended as soon as you left the game, really it stopped that turn!). This was to help you recall which game was in question, obviously that worked. At no point did I say it was unplayable, no point at all; very presumptuous on your point, as usual. I went a step further to mention that the ( other) player was the only one to survive; how would this be so if the game did not continue after you had quit the match?2) No courtesy email was sent or attempted When you left the game you said nothing, you simply left... That is your idea of courtesy I gather, no? Quitting a game, you should report immediately, be courteous, right? After all, it is not like you're waiting to see who won! 3) I had this on my list to report, however gamespy became unstable last night and I was unable to report. I DID NOT play any sunsequent ladder games AND it has NOT even been close to 24 hours since this game happened. Nice excuse: 'game spy became unstable last night and I was unable to report'. What on Earth does game spy (stable or not) have to do with reporting?You did not play any subsequent ( I think that is what you meant) games and you mention how 'it has not even been close to 24 hours since this game happened'. Why not report after match when you are seated at the computer? Do you find it better to make people wait 24 hours then decide if you should report or not? Would this be another example of what you have determined to be courteous?Game was on your list to report you agree you need to report this match, good, why not report it when you're at your computer? You cannot report because game spy is down? I still cannot understand how this plays into reporting at any level. What a load of crap. Pretty shady filing from a pretty shady player.. Welcome to my DNP list. DNP list - exemplary behavior, I expect nothing less. Truly an act thoroughly thought out, not simply a juvenile knee jerk reaction to a situation you are incapable of dealing with in a civil manor.Now, I am a shady player? I have not resorted to low level name calling as an excuse to prove my case for a non or late report.RE: Why you did not receive an email from me.This was coming 2 days after you told me "f_ _ _ off shot you're a piece of crap" after I politely said 'then leave' in a game: right after you stated you wished you had not joined (about 15 turns in). Perhaps you do not remember this game, a ILS cylindrical game REN ERA. From the start you make a SPY and got all pissy with redphoenix when he politely asked you not to do such a thing. We did not want the game to be ruined needlessly and you said you wished you had never joined and '¥do not play teamers' That is not the way to get on anyone's good side. I can be mean and nasty or rude, of course. I do this with people I know and like. These People understand this banter and reciprocate. I have long since learned you do not fit into that group so I deal with you on a strictly 'professional' level (something I do not see in return from you, ever). I know, from my time spent around you that you cannot take a joke, perhaps you do not understand them at certain times. Thus, to avoid tension and to keep from hurting your sensitive side I avoid you or reduce contact to a minimum where possible. I will report to him 'now' anyways, even though we were unable to complete this game, even though he didn't come close to waiting 24 hours before filing his non report, as long as gamespy remains stable enough for me to complete the process. Please advise player of the 24 hour before filing rule.. It is players like him that make admins have such duplication of effort in managing non reports. HOLY BOO-HOO BATMAN! WTF, Did a 12 year old write this?I will report to him 'now' anyways ( gee , thanks for the report you owe, at least your not being self righteous about it) ,even though we were unable to complete this game (the only reason WE were not able to complete the game was because YOU quit, without notice. The game was completed afterwards), even though he didn't come close to waiting 24 hours before filing his non report, as long as gamespy remains stable enough for me to complete the process ( yes, common knowledge that game spy has to be stable to report a loss!!). Please advise player of the 24 hour before filing rule ( why don't you advise this player, after all you sent me the email. You have never been shy to flaunt your admin duties in the past) .. It is players like him that make admins have such duplication of effort in managing non reports You're a poor overburdened soul. I apologize for being so evil, I hate seeing you so indignant.
Sincerely,
DrShot> Date: Sat, 15 Sep 2007 23:17:00 -0700 > From: AOE_C4P@web.de > To: > Subject: Unreported Match vs DrShot on CIV4Players (GameSpy) > > We have received a complaint that you failed to report one of your Ladder losses. > Attached below is the complaint that was submitted to our Admin Team > by your opponent. Please read it over and see if it is accurate. > > Please contact us with any information you have regarding this match. > > Thanks for your time and prompt response! > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > Below is a copy of the mail sent to us by the member accusing you of failing > to report your loss. Please reply promptly to this mail if you wish to > dispute this claim with brief details of your side of the story. If you fail > to respond this match could be posted against your account automatically. > -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > From: DrShot (versus _ _ _ _ _) > > Match Date: Sep 15 > > cton game > > > Persia > > > (other player) oos 12 cturns straight ( the only civ that > survived too ) > > > ty > > DrShot
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Post by MMV on Sept 16, 2007 19:53:33 GMT -5
rofl!
so a "courtesy email" is now a "required email?" (so now I finally understand, it's required, but you're supposed to exercise courtesy IN the words of the email, lol)
and let's not forget rule#13, you TOLD him to leave - this makes his report benign.
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Post by Matlowe on Sept 18, 2007 7:43:55 GMT -5
Blonde LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking....... And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida... ??" CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask s her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so" the doctor said. "Your finger is broken." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
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Post by Bantams on Sept 19, 2007 5:54:26 GMT -5
Swearing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to Head Office's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a f***ing
power-crazy b*tch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: F*** off a*se- hole
5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.
7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem.
8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the f***?
9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
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Post by AngelofLove on Oct 2, 2007 21:25:30 GMT -5
Door Hinge A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''
She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
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Post by AngelofLove on Oct 2, 2007 21:29:41 GMT -5
What Do I Look Like? A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
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Post by AngelofLove on Oct 2, 2007 21:32:33 GMT -5
Ha, The Joke's On You There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. "When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
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