|
Post by Bantams on Oct 9, 2007 11:21:16 GMT -5
>> >Irish logic >> > >> >Engineers Patrick and Seamus (Dublin mechanical engineers) were >> >standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. >> >A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. >> >We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Patrick >> >'but we don't have a ladder.' >> > >> >The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and >> >laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, >> >took a measurement, announced, '5 metres,' and walked away. >> > >> >Seamus shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a blonde! >> >We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
|
|
|
Post by Bantams on Oct 9, 2007 11:23:47 GMT -5
>> A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. >> >> They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far >> and would just walk home. >> >> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket >> and a gallon of paint. >> >> He then stopped by the feedstore and picked up a couple of chickens >> and a >> >> goose. >> However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to >> carry >> >> his entire purchases home. >> While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old >> lady who told him she was lost. >> >> She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" >> The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to >> that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot." >> The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the >> bucket. >> Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry >> the goose in your other hand?" >> "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl >> home. >> On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. >> We'll >> >> be there in no time." >> >> The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a >> lonely widow without a husband to defend me. >> >> How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up >> against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?" >> The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, and a >> gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. >> How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do >> that?" >> The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, >> put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Oct 9, 2007 16:37:34 GMT -5
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Lola - and was in line for the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ DUH!
I was feeling a bit crabby; so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting "The Purina Diet again", although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds, before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.'s in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
So...........I went on again with the bogus diet story, and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets and purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me, and was that why I ended up in the hospital? I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Oct 14, 2007 4:57:44 GMT -5
> Subject: What do retired people do? > > > > What do retired people do all day > > Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. > > Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. > > I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." > > He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." > > He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. > > This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. >
> Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." > >
|
|
|
Post by oblivionn on Oct 14, 2007 10:37:30 GMT -5
LMAO ^^
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Oct 18, 2007 3:10:25 GMT -5
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
|
|
|
Post by MMV on Oct 18, 2007 8:23:39 GMT -5
Took a minute to "get it," but ROFL!!! =========================
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my girl-friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her -
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a beeeeeeeeeeeeetch!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:07:39 GMT -5
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:09:16 GMT -5
Ten Reasons Why a Gun is Preferred Over a Woman
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when
you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN...
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:10:22 GMT -5
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. "He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, D*ck, we're leaving."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:12:14 GMT -5
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:16:03 GMT -5
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks.
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
Condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex".
"Oh I see," replied the boy.
"Yes, I've heard of safe sex in health class at School"
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys,
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks,"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks,
Picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men.
One for January, one for February, one for March......."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:18:05 GMT -5
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed, wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back a s a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him...ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're nutstting in the bed!"
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:26:40 GMT -5
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your assss and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Nov 3, 2007 4:28:49 GMT -5
Chelse clinton goes to iraq and askes the troops what they see as the biggest problems in the World. They reply Osama, Obama and Yo Momma
|
|
|
Post by MMV on Nov 4, 2007 8:00:10 GMT -5
My neighbor was depressed last night so he called Lifeline.
After a slight wait, he got through to a call center in Pakistan.
He told them he was suicidal, they got all excited and asked him if he could fly a plane.
|
|
|
Post by Bantams on Nov 11, 2007 5:09:02 GMT -5
He's A Goner
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
* At 70 off came the pants.
* At 75 it was her bra...and
* At 80 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!
His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.
"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
|
|
|
Post by MMV on Nov 14, 2007 12:24:22 GMT -5
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans 1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all !!! 2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous. Now then, lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Dec 16, 2007 17:59:58 GMT -5
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-nutstin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it."
|
|
|
Post by DrShot on Dec 16, 2007 18:47:15 GMT -5
A ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone.
Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.
Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep."
The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?"
He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats."
Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.
Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so."
The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me."
Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.
Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep."
He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"
|
|