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Post by Avogadro on Mar 12, 2006 23:14:54 GMT -5
Joe had been suffering incredible headaches, and sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches..."
"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve this is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if it was the right thing to do, but couldn't concentrate long enough to answer because of the headaches. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was finally clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he began to feel like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and the salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let me see... size 44 long."
Joe was surprised, "That's correct! How did you know?"
"It's my job to know, sir", replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt to go with that, sir?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure... A new shirt."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was astonished, "That's amazing, how do you do that?"
"It's my job, sir.", replied the salesman.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "And how about some new underwear, sir?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure... "
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 38."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34, sir. They would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 12, 2006 23:15:16 GMT -5
A woman goes to see her doctor after being prescribed testosterone, (a male hormone), because she is a little worried about some of the side effects she's been experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have helped, but I'm afraid that the dose may be a little high. I've started growing hair in places that I didn't before."
The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair started appearing?"
"On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...", replied the lady.
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 12, 2006 23:15:35 GMT -5
A man goes to see his doctor and says, "Doctor, I think I'm having trouble with my hearing". "What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor. The man replies, "Err... A yellow cartoon family on TV?".
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 12, 2006 23:16:03 GMT -5
A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.
"That's too much," said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 15, 2006 18:36:08 GMT -5
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!"
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Post by whiplash on Mar 15, 2006 21:13:35 GMT -5
Now that's a good one. ;D ;D
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Post by Necrominousss on Mar 19, 2006 12:34:14 GMT -5
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish I would like my love handles removed."
"Poof!"
And just like that... her ears were gone.
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 19, 2006 23:39:48 GMT -5
D'oh ;D
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Post by Ascension on Mar 20, 2006 2:33:08 GMT -5
A drunk, a smoker and a gay guy pray to God how they can save their souls. God tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die and go to hell, if they stay moral, they will be welcomed into heaven.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I loose my soul, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
After that, the smoker and the gay guy are walking along when the smoker suddenly spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both going to hell.”
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 29, 2006 8:55:27 GMT -5
Three Blondes
March 26th, 2006 AskMen.com Rates This Joke: 8/10
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Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and is thankful..."
"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Post by sparta on Mar 29, 2006 19:32:55 GMT -5
A man found out his wife was cheating on him, so he decided to hire a private detective. He couldnt really afford it so he hired the cheapest one...a chinese man. After a few days of 'detective work' he recieved a letter:
Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.
No fee,
Chen Lee
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Post by Avogadro on Mar 29, 2006 21:28:13 GMT -5
good one Sparta ;D
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his blonde wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Post by Random on Aug 10, 2006 18:16:12 GMT -5
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
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Q: Why do blondes have bruised bellybuttons?
A: Cause boy blondes are dumb too!
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A panda comes to restaurant and orders lots of food. The manager felt weird serving a panda but still gave him his order. The panda sat and ate quietly.
After eating, the panda stood, took out a gun, and started shooting. After he ran out of bullets, the panda started to walk towards the door.
Angry at these events, the manager confronted the panda before it was out of the door. "What do you think you're doing?" The manager asked.
"I'm a panda. Look it up." was the panda's reply without stopping.
The manager picks up a dictionary and reads:
Panda - a relative of a bear characterized by its black and white fur. Usually found in Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.
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Post by Random on Oct 6, 2006 20:28:37 GMT -5
Three women walk into a bar... Now stop me if you've heard this one.. Any the is one blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. Well the brunette orders a AL and the bartender asks what that is, well Amstel Light of course she says. Next the redhead orders a BL, and again the bartender is stumped, and is told that is is a Bud Light of course. Now it is the blondes turn and she a 15, now the bartender is really stumped and again what that is. She says well it is a 7&7 of course.
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Post by WarningU2 on Nov 13, 2006 9:01:34 GMT -5
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs or Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."
President Bush cracked his famous little grin, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future.
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Post by Random on Nov 13, 2006 17:02:11 GMT -5
Pretty godd one there U2.. Thanx 4 the laugh..
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Post by DarkPepsi on Nov 27, 2006 21:33:21 GMT -5
So this is where all the civ players went!!!!!
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma".
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
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Post by DarkPepsi on Nov 27, 2006 21:34:07 GMT -5
July 8, 1947
Many of you may recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.
However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.
Perhaps this little bit of information has cleared up a few things.
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Post by Necrominousss on Dec 2, 2006 3:35:35 GMT -5
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!” pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper!
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Post by Necrominousss on Dec 2, 2006 3:53:50 GMT -5
Having a terrible day? Don't kick your dog. Here's something for all you Bush hating Democrats to use as a tension reliever. Go ahead, knock yourself out, or actually knock him out. www.toddalbert.com/files/images/bushsmack.swf
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